your arm is draped protectively over my shoulder, tightening if someone tries to seemingly break our bond. shortly after, your arm relaxes and our hands find eachother amongst the sea of people, hold tight or we might get lost. lacing your fingers through mine, you make sure to keep checking i'm ok. i'm always ok when i'm with you. finding a space you herd me across so i can get a better view, making sure no-one stands between us, your arm snakes round to find my hip, still holding tight as to not get lost in the human jungle.
you check again if i'm feeling alright, tentative for once although this is not your nature. you reach up and curl your arm around my shoulder again, squeezing tight so i know i'm safe when i'm with you.
that's the difference this time i think, i know i'm with you. i couldn't possibly be with anyone else, and neither could you at this moment in time. i'm yours forever, willingly so. you're mine momentarily, giving me everything you have and more. you kiss my hand and whisper in my ear that you'd like to buy me a drink. suddenly i feel helpless. i rest my head on your chest, deciding which way to go. with you, or without you. you seem to be making the same decision. we decide on different things. i go with you, you take me, but not all the way. and then she's there...and everythings different. you kiss my forehead and tell me to hold you, you'll be back in a minute. one minute turns into 10 and then you're back again but it shant be the same again, that's what i thought at the time. running your hands up and down my spine i've taken everything back now, you can play as much as you want but we won't share our hearts ever again, you had your chance and i had mine.
I AM NSANELY EXCITED AHHHH
i'm leaving on wednesday to stay with nid the night before, then off we trot on thursday! i am so so excited, especially now i've almost finished my space vixen fancy dress and customised my wellies! everythings ready now - all i need to do is buy raisins and vodka and then really i have everything i need ;)
2 days ahhhhhh!!
ROLL UP, ROLL UP!
ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, kings and queens, beauties and beasts...
grab a glass of wine and make yourself comfortable, as you're in for a delightful show tonight. we will be treating you to some lacey lovelys, velvet wonders, fairytale frocks and knee-high socks...with some gorgeous shiny heels thrown in, and sparkling jewels to be worn with a grin!
don't be shy, come and experience the wonderful world of circusbox...the perfect dressing up box for all you big kids
THEM BEHIND THE SCENES
we are a newly established clothing company, selling vintage clothes and one-off pieces we have made or adapted ourselves. but who are we? 'We' are Emily maisie and Emma harris, a fabulous twosome currently living in the sunny south of england, charity shopping and scouring vintage buttons for a living.
We came up with the idea of Circusbox a few months ago, as both of us love vintage clothing but found it suprisingly difficult to find unique, interesting garments at a fair price. we work hard to make sure nothing on our site is overpriced, and everything we sell is washed and ironed before being sent to you, so no need to worry about any clothes turning up at your door squalid or stained!
We also pride ourselves on being efficient and reliable, so you won't be waiting weeks for your items to arrive.
We currently are only selling items size 6-14, as we don't see a high demand for larger sizes, but please feel free to leave us a message if you'd like to see a bigger range of sizes and we will do our best to accomodate!
As we are only new to the world of internet fashion, we are always happy to hear constructive criticism...tell us what you like (and what you don't) as this will help us improve our company, and make shopping with us an even easier experience for you that it already is!
you played me a song, pure and you. you wanted me to feel every note of your being, high and low and inbetween.
nobody can forget a feeling, we thought.
the light dimmed dramatically as the handcrafted melody came to a slow end.
'fin', you said.
everything that had been leading up to that moment evaporated into a slow plume of passion and dissapointment.
the light returned, nonchalant and dull, as normality crept thoughtlessly back into our special bubble.
but the feeling, stayed.
lodged in the walls of our perfect cocoon - to be broken momentarily in to a thousand treasurable pieces.
i hope it doesn't take too long to put us back together.
we sat.
following an idea, we found eachother too late. it wasn't the right time or the right place - as little as neither matter it mattered to us
sometimes i wonder if you can understand my language of life like i can understand yours. you are non-commital and judgemental, two of my favourite qualities
you have mismatched features and spiky humour. you are perfect.
i've thought and thought and re-thought, have you? tonight, you may hold my hand. or you may scratch at my heart with words unthoughtful.
which will it be? cold, rough, frantic hands or whisper soft feather fingers?
i feel at home in your uncomfortable embrace, at peace with your awkward confessions. why do you only let yourself adore me in the sensible way?
i feel like i'm giving you all the answers, but you're still failing the test.
one cannot speak with their eyes forever, eventually the truth will come out and make a terrible mess of everything once and for all.
sense, is overrated.
a perfect two-headed boy, always too busy for a two headed girl.
home from my wonderful balkins adventure! and i loved every single minute of it.
soo happy to be home though, i missed vegetables and chai and my own bed! it was absolutely wonderful though, had such a good time and really want to go back again. the sun was SO hot and although i do love good old unpredictable english rain i will miss the perfect sun of italy slovenia and croatia.
- Music:oh comely - neutral milk hotel
your tiny chest puffing out, masculinity brewing in your blood, you're growing fast.
i wish you didn't have to grow up so quickly, you've been thrown into adulthood and it isn't right.
if i could, i'd try and help you - but i can't. moreso, i don't think anyone can.
i understand the feeling of being morally obliged to protect, but you can have a childhood too,
don't go down the same lane i did, just live as you'd like and ignore the world and it's opinion
you're perfect, a perfect little human being just not fully formed yet, and please don't speed up the process anymore,
learn how to love yourself, learn how to keep yourself.
- Music:the bluebell - patrick wolf
'I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again' - Oscar Wilde
I think it sums up the difficulty of writing perfectly. you can never get it right, and even when you think you have - someone else will disagree. you just have to be yourself, write what you feel in your heart and metaphorically say bollocks to everyone else, because at the end of the day if they don't like it they shouldn't be reading it.
i no longer feel the need to check my writing 3874846 times, and change it constantly. if the wonderful Oscar Wilde found proof reading to be a pointless effort, then the rest of us needn't worry with it either.
- Music:confessions - kid loco, remixed by parov stelar
eating, drinking, sleeping, even breathing - they all feel so insignificant
if i could live off stories alone, i would
- Music:silver dagger - fleet foxes
and, going to camp bestival for free hopefully! aslong as i can get enough money in two weeks for like, spending etcccc
oh my goodness, it's going to be SUCH a good summer!
ugh why is everything so rubbishhhh :(
count the minutes until i can watch you write me into existance
and i will stand in your shadows and wait,
for my grand entrance.
you can write me happy and write me sad, but you can never write me truthful
you've written away my morals, and all my self respect
you've written me into your perfect woman, skillfully crafting my character to please you.
i can't complain. i have a pretty existance
pretty and harmless, harmed only in theory - you and your poison pen.
it's difficult to live someone elses story,
to know where i should speak. i haven't learnt my lines, should i try and say them anyway?
i don't want to sing if it's not your favourite song,
and i cannot read unless it's your book.
alas, i should not write unless i'm writing you into my existance too.
- Music:blackberry stone - laura marling
well, not i'm exageratting because my day was almost as far from perfect as you could get BUT the point i am trying to make is, i'm really happy at the moment because despite the fact the majority of people in my life are dicks and get on my nerves a lot, there are a small few who i really do love...and i don't say things like this often because i'm not a very sentimental person when it comes to people. objects, hells yeah i love everything but people, i tend to be a bit more guarded. a little stand-offish. i know they'll hurt me eventually, as will i hurt them, if they get too close. it's just how things happen. and as a result of this attitude i generally prefer to cut people out of my life entirely rather than forgive them for something. but recently, i've come to realise how much certain people mean to me. one person inparticular. realised maybe a little too late, but never mind.
so i'm happy. because although all this really shit stuff seems to be happening at the moment, i have people that i really can rely on. and i find it so hard to say that, because i act like i'm hard as nails, nothing can touch me...but it's nice to know that when my defensive walls do finally crumble there'll be someone there. and more than anything, just knowing that makes me happy....along with plentiful coffee and cigarettes of course.
so in my happy sleepy state i'm going to go and have a smoke beneath the stars and think about how wonderful everything is. because i know this mood won't last so i'm going to make the most of it!
and i'm not going to read back through this post because there will be tonnes of it that i think is embaressing and cringey, but i don't want to delete it because for once this is me being honest and that doesn't happen very often. and this rambling post is literally my thoughts written down, so welcome to my muddled up brain everyone!
thank you, and goodnight.
UFHGFIJUFGHFDUGHFUGKJFOJOASCXNCJCXBZALJO
my day has been like that.
we started in the middle, we had no beginning or not specific beginning to speak of, anyway. there is not end...yet. no-one knows when they've ended, i'm still not sure have we really begun? began in the middle, finished at the start. now we're nearing the end. the end of the beginning? or the beginning of the end? the middle of the end maybe.
let's go back!
let's go back to the beginning of the start, let's make a fresh start and let's talk for real this time.
i've had a weird week
and it's hard because i have so much i want to say, and no-one i can/want to say it to. i hate having to be cryptic on livejournal but nothings private anymore i don't think. not even my thoughts in my head, nothing at all.
going to make some toast now
there once was a man who sold wire,
but his situation was dire,
he wound it too tight,
round his head in the night
and was dead my the light,
of the morning.
his daughter was sad,
she said 'this is bad.
my father did not heed his warning!'
i think i may literally be the only person i know with a fairly consistant temperament.
why do i willingly choose to spend time with all the most difficult people ever? ha
i've had a really disorientated day today, really good but also a bit pointless and bad at points.
i think i need to go to sleep, but i can't. still. not properly anyway, not for more than a few hours at a time
oh
ciao
can't fucking concentrate on anything.
i hate that recent events have had such a stupidly massive affect on my life, even though they don't seem to have affected the other party in any way shape or form.
everything is so complicated, and i have been the biggest dick actually ever. and now either way i lose. honesty's always the best policy, i know, but this time honesty really has fucked everything well and truly. to make everything a thousand times better, i have exams coming up and so am revising like all the time and don't even have any time to fucking BREATH let alone think about this ridiculous mess i'm in now.
and i've gotta go to stupid london tomorrow and see a play and have a tour round the globe and i'm so utterly and completely not in the mood...really wish i was doing anything OTHER than that. which is sad cus usually it'd be the kind of thing i'd probably really enjoy, but right now i'm just so tired all the time, brain tired mainly. haven't had time to sleep since i got back from france, been mainly concentrating on being a complete dick to the wonderful man who's put up with me so gently and kindly for the past 3 years. and the worst thing is i can't help it. my heads just all over the place, and as much as he's my best friend in the whole world, i've had to hurt him to get myself heard (which i HATE)
and now i'm in this horrible in between place. in between knowing what i want and knowing what i need, knowing how to go about this and knowing how to fucking everything up ughhhh
and what do i even want?
safe or happy?
i don't even know.
you see, i give you so many chances.
so many chances, to talk to me. to tell me how you're feeling, what you're thinking.
and you can never quite tell me straight, never as much as i know you want to, anyway.
and we got so close.
the beautifully blank canvas, the most delicate breath
breaks the silence of the page, and every little word uttered,
pours into my ears
'the most magical music'
the most poetic touch,
i ever did feel.
passion in it's breathtaking entirety.
my eccentrics other love.
- Music:the stolen child - the waterboys
you tell me, i said.
nothing, you said.
and so it was.
the two of us, embarking on nothing and wanting it more than anything else in the whole world.
SO. it all started in september 2008 when brockenhurst college opened it's doors once again to 3000 gawky teenagers. 3 of which were, little beknown to them, destined to become great friends. the first drama lesson i attended, i was asigned into a group with 3 others. jack, fran and nadia. i'd already met jack and fran, but never nadia. we soon became 'cliquey' as kindly put my our drama teacher. soon after meeting, me jack and nadia decided to book a holiday to france. at first we looked at the channel islands, but decided as picturesque as they were, they were no place for us (basically all we could do there was go fishing. for a LOT of money)
so...we trawled the internet until we found the perfect place to stay. a little hamlet in northern france, called st marcent...home to a little hostel with blue shutters and hanging window boxes. lovely!
so we booked our 6 night stay and booked some ferry tickets too...and away we went! (errr...about 8 months later!)
we met at the ferry port at half past 7. walking up to where they were, i wasn't sure if i was going to have a wonderful holiday, or a terrible one. see we had never spent time together out of college...so it really could've gone one of 2 ways. however, as soon as i saw nadia in her straw hat and jack with his MASSIVE ANT bag i knew it would at least be pretty funny...
we finally boarded the ferry and found our box cabin (that was literally as big as about all of us put together....great.) and laughed A LOT at jacks pityful excuse for a bed, which was basically a slightly bigger baby changing mat.
we then explored the ferry, and had an interesting evening, including getting given free pina coladas and nadia falling over after trying to copy a child running round the helicoper pad. she failed.
we eventually tucked ourself into our tiny little cabin and wished eachother goodnight, after a lot of GEEEHHHHing and 'can you not...' jokes.
we awoke the next morning, bright and early. although it wasn't bright at all, because our cabin had no windows. and it was a lot earlier than we thought, as we'd forgotten the time different between england and france.
so we got ready and left the boat, and we were in st malo! which is absolutely beautiful, all cobbled streets and antique book shops. (and a lot of touristy crap too, which i'm choosing not to dwell on ha) we explored for a while and had some breakfast, then did a bit more exploring and took far too many photos...then me and nadia went on the carousel! which was the highlight of my day of course because i love carousels and think they're so quaint and lovely. then we went to have some coffee and nadia decided to take 40 minutes going to the toilet! i'll say no more...
so eventually we arrived at the coach station after our day in st malo, ready to make our way to the hostel. it wasn't long before we were there...meeting steve and 'her' wife. (well, only the wife at this point) and being shown to our room. it was very white...which hopefully meant it was clean at least! and me and nadia got the big comfy marital bed :) which we loved. jack got the rubbish prison bunkbeds, which he didn't really love.
by this point, for some reason we were all feeling a little deflated...so a trip to the nearest drinking establishment was in order. we arrived at the oystercatcher (trust us to go on holiday to a foreign country and spend our first night in a traditionally english run pub) and ordered some chips (of course, what else?!) and cider. after the chips...and the cider...we were for some reason given free champagne which made me VERY happy...happy enough to buy two bottles of rose wine, which didn't end well. so basically i spent the entire evening embaressing myself publically and loving it...well at least i made a lot of friends! we walked home after our night out and me and nadia decided to roll around in the grass...for some reason. that's pretty much all i remember from the walk home! we got into our hostel room and everything suddenly was a bit weird. my memories a bit hazy thanks to the overload of wine but i do remember key moments which i won't go into....i also strongly remember making a mole hole over nadia, who fell asleep first, which at the time was HILARIOUS...
the next morning no-one was in high spirits (especially not jack!) but we decided to go to mont st michel anyway and got a lift from steves wife which was awkward as she turned out to be really racist...which was quite funny but also rather innappropriate i felt.
we spent the day walking up and down stairs and visiting churches and more churches and chapels and museums about the middle ages or something...i don't really know because those sorts of things make me tune out and think about topshop and cocktails. but, we did get crepes! like mr T. after our culturally enriching day (which i had spent the majority of smoking vogue cigarettes in the rain...grumpily) we walked to the supermarche...luckily by now it was sunny so our walk wasn't bad. it was actually especially good, as jack walked into a sign post and this made me happy because he'd been in a bad mood all day! i am horrid but i love it. we got to the supermarche which was WEIRD and all wooden! and bought rose wine and a big bottle of vodka in order to help us have a good night...and eventually returned to the hostel at about 5pm. we started drinking then and went to a bar near our hostel at about 7.30. unsuprisingly, we had to leave early because nadia was completely gone, and they were serving us up 'passion' shooters which were so gross so we left at like half 9! got home by like 10 even thought it was literally across the road but nard was insistant on smoking outside for ages even though she doesn't smoke! no idea where the next three hours went but i remember looking at my phone and it said 1am...so i finished off my vodka and coke that was disgustingly strong...and went to bed. a pretty non-exciting evening really.
TO BE CONTINUED....... ;)
forever my muse, forever your friend.
everything in you pouring out of your beautiful fingers onto the paper infront of you.
10 fingers.
so defiantly strong and so delicantly gentle.
waiting with blinking eyes and expectant posture for the world to shock you, excite you, inspire you.
let me feed you stories,
i'll let you be more than just my maybe, my sometimes.
if you were the only one to ever have 10 fingers i would take the greatest pride in telling the world, i have fallen in love with your hands.
- Music:elephant gun - beirut
what happens in buxton stays in buxton and also i am so tired i'll write about my weird and wonderful holiday another time but....yeah. lots to think about. off to assess my moral responsibilities and then go to bed, back to normal life. ugh.
i know i always say that, but seriously i have been sooo busy it's unreal. drama performances, coursework, exam prep, mock exams etc aswell as actually having a life and actually having mumps (fucking stupid, wish i'd had my MMR)
and i am now using my very limited spare time to errr, do this. well...i've been stupidly ill the past couple of days so despite it being a much needed break from college (easter hols) i have had a pretty shit time.
but today i feel a lot better so i've been shopping for france things with mama and now i'm home for some general chilling (and livejournaling).
drewes coming over later for a bottle of wine and a well overdue catch up! staying the night aswell as tomorrow we are off to LAAANDON to see madame du sade with JUDY DENCH! in the west end, i am so so excited as i love judy dench and think she is just wonderful.
then on friday, me drewe and steve have our first gig, which is terrifying as i've never sang infront of any sort of audience before and i am bricking it.....but also quite excited.
and FINALLY, on easter monday i am off to france! with jack and nard for a completely ridiculous holiday to mont st michel, staying in a quaint but dodgy B&B and doing not a lot of anything apart from drinking pitchers of cider, eating platefuls of crepes and enjoying life in a sleepy french hamlet. i am so so excited, even though i know it is not exactly a typical teenage holiday...you know the kind, 'SHAGALUF' with thirty other 18 year olds, drunk on independance and tequila. but i guess my life has never been conventional, and i like it that way.
off now to fill up the cafetiere and run myself a nice bubblebath, need to mentally and physically prepare for tomorrow...i.e find some clothes and make some mental lists of things i need to do/buy
mmm lazy days are just the best, don't you think?
i am going to miss the quiet and the seaside. a lot.
i spent a lot of today in the sun. my chest is a bit red.
i want some soup.
SO SO SO FUCKING HAPPY
everythings finally falling into place. just need to find a house now, ahhhh i am literally WETTING MYSELF I'M SOOOOOO HAPPY
(in retrospect i shouldn't have said that. for future ref; i didn't wet myself it was METAPHORICAL)
well, that's what i thought. or was taught.
so how, do we know what love is? not to sound hideously 80's teen romance, but how do we know that the so called feeling of 'love' isn't different for everyone?
theres this universal idea of love. all encompassing, breathtaking, unimaginably beautiful love. the butterflies in your tummy, days spent in complete awe and sleepless night after sleepless night. but does that actually exist?
i've loved, many many people i've loved, but none so to that extent that i feel i can't breath whilst not in their reassuring presence. i don't know if theres something wrong with me, or if everyone truly is different in the way that of course we can't all be feeling the same times at the same time, surely? and i'm not sure i'm making sense right now, but it seems i haven't slept in days and my mind is muddled. if this 'love' is real, how do we know? how does anyone know, or do they never know? just guess. how could anyone ever differentiate between love, lust...like. i've certainly fallen in like, and definately in lust, but love? love is different. the word has so many different connotations. is there something i'm missing? maybe i'm not trying hard enough to love someone, or anyone? and how many people can one person physically love, is there a limit? or a minimum? or can we love everyone we ever meet, if we only know how...
i've always said i love everyone until i meet them.
which is entirely true, i love the idea of people, of any singular person, but often people irritate me, bore me.
i don't understand anything at the moment, i can't sleep because my mind won't turn off, i can't eat because i feel as though an angry little bird has been let loose inside my stomach, flittering and fluttering furiously. i can't talk because every time i open my mouth the words twist and cling to the back of my throat, desperate to safely retreat back to the treasure chest that seems to be my heart. or is it my head?
is this it? is this what everyone is talking about? or am i creating this as a complete false pretence, tricking myself into feeling i belong along with everyone else in this lovely heart shaped bubble? i am so confused and so sick of thinking and talking and explaining.
ugh. cigarette.
busy busy busy at the moment, but when am i not? i've got my drama performance tomorrow. painful. i have mumps. i got too drunk last night, unashamedly flirting with anyone in my peripheral vision (male OR female) and i have a hangover the size of everest. i'm going on holiday in 2 weeks and have seriously low funds at the moment, need some quick easy dolla without you know, selling myself or whatever. i also look like i've survived 10 rounds with mike tyson, bruises all over my legs and arms and a big cut on my cheek. don't know where they all came from, joys of memory loss due to excessive cocktails eh?
ugh and it's my leavers photo on tuesday, which i will look particularly ravishing in i am sure, thanks to my big fat mumpy cheeks. and i'm sad about leaving college, although i can't wait at the same time, you know?
apart from that, had a wicked night out last night for my friend emmas 18th. had the girls round mine first which involved the mass application of too much glitter, excess hairspraying, vodka jelly eating, cocktail making and the general sort of merriment that only ever occurs when teenage girls get together and consume too much alcohol. went into town after that, didn't get asked for ID which was good as emma wasn't actually 18 untill 12! met some people. boyfriend and some other friends, one of whom was being a complete cunt. in my alcohol induced stupor, thought it was a good idea to go absolutely mental at him when he suggested we go to yates bar. to be fair though, like fuck we were gunna go sit drink overpriced wine with his like, family he brought, in some shit old person bar whilst he talks obnoxiously about his many achivements. and also, the fact it was ems birthday and he was being a dick, like 'i'm not waiting her, it's fucking cold let's go' WELL YOU GO THEN MATE. and anyway, fairly sure he's paid for it in guilt now, as he got in this strop and thankfully (for everyone else, anyway) left town to walk back on his own. his girlfriend then went all weird and then cried for ages then went home and had a panic attack. we were with her in town, but obv not at home. he should've been there, hope he feels awful now.
can you tell i'm in a foul mood? ha. should really be learning lines now. can't be arsed AT ALL. made some cakes for em yesterday, probably just going to go and eat all the remaining ones now, whilst attempting half heartedly to learn lines whilst also watching shit TV and contemplating how terribly i'm doing on my 'pre-france diet'
life is a joy.
you are wonderful...
what does it mean? is it the fluttering feeling in the pit of your tummy when you see someone so breathtakingly beautiful to forget to breath? is it the uncomfortable silence of two like-minded bohemians reading pretentiously intellectual poetry? is it returning home after a terrible day to open arms and a cup of sugary, luke warm tea? is it knowing exactly what you wanted to say the very second your dearly beloved leaves? is it finding out someone thinks about you just before their sleepy eyes droop shut after a hard days work, just as you do, them?
or is it simply a word?
overused and misunderstood.
a sorry, a thank you, an i miss you more everyday? an angry acceptance, a consolation, an understanding?
and is it wrong, to wonder whether a love even exists? is it wrong to discard 'love' as the biggest contradiction known to mankind and utterly, unachievably, insecurely, dramatically pointless?
quiet. quiet. quiet. quiet. QUIET.
but apart from this, today has been weird. it snowed really heavily this morning, and then really brightened up an was reasonably warm all afternoon. i don't get england. but now it's evening it is cold again and i'm dreading having to leave my lovely warm room :( wish i could just stay here to be honest.
the rest of the day was fine, as i only have 2 lessons on a thursday and they're both drama...which even though is a massive effort at the moment as we're rehearsing for our upcoming devised performances (kill me now) is actually ok, considering i have quite a few friends in that lesson and time always seems to go quicker when you're up and doing things, rather than just sat listening to some balding middle aged nutcase frantically scratching and fidgetting due to a terribly case of ocd talking about marxism for 2 hours. that never ever goes quickly.
and i'm in quite a good mood, because we have a staff day at college tomorrow which means i can sleep as long as i like and can go shopping with ems tomorrow. even though i can't actually buy anything because for lent, i gave up spending all my money on clothes. i'm trying to save a bit so i can buy lots of nice new things before france. i can't wait, it's only like 5 or 6 weeks now! will be soo good to be doing something different. although, not quite sure what we will be doing as we're going to this proper remote little village with no much there..so we will have to travel a bit i think. and also, i've never done anything with the 2 people i'm going with out of college, so that could be quite interesting too haha!
oh, and anyone with twitter can find me now, i finally gave in! search for emilymaisie.
ciiiaaoooo!
1. i get completey mixed signals from you. one minute i seem to be your favourite person ever and the next you act as if we've never met? we get on so well, despite there being a few awkward moments where neither of us know where we stand. strangely enough, although i constantly end up in stupid arguments with you, i think we're far more alike in many ways than i'd ever let on. i really enjoy your company (even when you're completely ignoring me, it gives me time to reflect on how tolerant and patient i am lol) and i'm really gutted at the prospect of not seeing you much next year. i also think you're such an inspiration in so many ways, and admire your passion and courage more than anyone else, probably. i really do think you're pretty wonderful (almost as wonderful as me!)
2. i haven't known you very long but in that short space of time you have sadly become a completely invaluable part of my life!! i absolutely love all the ridiculous situations we always seem to get into! they make my life haha. we spend way too much time together, and you are such good fun. i can't wait for the many more memories i know we will be able to create...i think you are honestly the funniet person i know, although we shouldn't keep refering to ourselves as a unit as i think we scare off potential friends! haha aww cheesy statement lapse...
3. if this makes me the worst friend/person in the world then so be it, but i am absolutely sick to death of you. i find it so difficult to talk to you, as all our conversations revole around one thing. and that thing isn't even interesting. i feel like your councellor most of the time rather than your friend, and this is becoming a bit of a problem...mainly in the fact that we never ever laugh together, have a good time or an interesting conversation and it's only ever about you. every day. ever. all the time. i can't do it anymore i'm afraid as every time i talk to you i feel i am going sligthtly insane, and if i have to stop seeing you then i'm sorry but i have told you many a time to move on but if you can't then i will have to!
4. aww you're properly the best person i've ever met! if i had to pick a 'best friend' then it would no doubt be you, even though recently i have seen a lot less of you than i would like! i feel like we've known eachother for ever even though it's only been like 3 years..but they have been such fun years with soo many memories and of course loads more to come! some of my favourite times every have been spent with you, and we are just so the same on so many levels it's creepy! infact, sometimes i feel we may actually have the same brain. we just know things! we know things other people don't know. about everything. how do we know?! we just do. i love all the stupid stories of our collective lives, and i honestly can't wait until this chapter finishes and the next begins. our lives are going to be wonderful!
5. best 'till last? you are the most beautiful person ever, inside and out. cheesy but true! i love everything about you and you know it. mainly, i love how much you adore me! haha can't believe i've only known you 2 and a half years, feels like a lifetime. however, i have loved every moment of these past few years (even the rare 'bad' bits) and i have learnt so so much from you. everything seems to much more comfortable when you're around, and one of my favourite feelings in the world is going to sleep in one of your big comfy jumpers that i have stolen! i'm so scared about what will happen at the end of next year, but also excited for the change..i just love you entirely, and never imagined i'd respect and trust someone as much as i do you. (it also helps that i think you are completely and utterly gorgeous, mind) heres to many happy years ahead...and to bunny and thumb...
sound so much more exciting than stupid istanbul.
this annoys me a lot.
other than this, today was weird and unstrutured and everyone seemed different. it was odd! like living my life but a bit different...and everyone was in funny moods. either foul or wonderful, and my whole day seemed inconsistant. plus the fact that thursday afternoon tea at college turned into stay-at-college-until-half-past-six-tea and it threw me completely! i am not used to this break in my routine!
saying that, the only routine i DO have is very very loose and changeable, and mainly consists of occasionally going to college and generally dossing about at home doing things that seem really important but aren't at all. i don't think i'm ready for adult life yet.
i honestly wish i was still 10..when the most important thing in your life was whether your best friend liked you or not, and the day consisted of 5 hours of structured, regulated, obligitory school and then getting picked up and taken home to have your dinner served to you, baths run and then beds made and stories told. i really really miss that!
another odd thing about today was how many political debates i seemed to find myself in! this never happens and for once i wasn't really up for debating, arguing or even thinking...i just wanted a nice normal conversation (which rarely happens in my life) and the only people i seemed to find to talk to all wanted to discuss really in-depth serious matters. i think maybe i am too lighthearted! in honesty i don't think i care....about much. just being happy. people annoy me, places that are busy or too quiet annoy me. immaturity annoys me but so do people who are too 'mature' or think they are and talk like they are 60 and worry about knife crime and are dull.
i find myself all too often in a state of irritation, caused by almost everything. i think this is partly due to finding out that being an 'adult' in the eyes of society but still feeling about 5, and never having money, and having to go to a college i hate and do lessons i hate is NOT all that great (despite being told by numerous elders that college will be the best days of my life....well if this is it i may as well kill myself right now) AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF i spilt coffee all over my favourite topshop cream mohair jumper. i am not happy.
so thats my general rant of the day, sorry my posts have been so sparce and inconsistant, i promise i will try and post more than 2 or 3 times a month! afterall it's not as if i have anything better to do....
the play that i was assistant director of finished a couple of weeks ago, which was sooo good as it now means i have my wednesday evenings back! ha and also WE HAD SNOW and i loved it and went out everyday to frolic and partake in snow related adventures. now, however, the stubborn grey blanket of sky is alas back for what seems like forever...most likely until at least mid june when the sun occasionally decides to make an appearance. very occasional, mind.
i like watching the sky. and i don't mean cloud watching, because that is watching clouds. i like watching sky. which people always thing is really weird, as i have the tendancy to stop mid conversation to stand in the middle of the road skywatching (i can't help this) only to be pushed unwillingly forward until i am safe from the likelyhood of dying. i think it's beautiful, sky. not ugly although the colour isn't always very nice. but the whole idea of sky...the concept of something so big and all encompassing is amazing....
but on a different note, it was half term last week! which was a wonderful and much needed break from my forever hectic life. i had tonsilitus, which is always good. and i went to town, stupidly, and spent all night shouting to get myself heard and eventually lost my voice completely and started coughing up bits of my throat lining which i can assure you is not very enjoyable, but we got pitchers of cocktails for only £6.60! which made everything ok again, even though i could only nod and smile when people tried to strike up conversation. i don't think i would enjoy life as a mute. although, thinking about it, you'd never have to do any of the crap stuff that comes with having a voice...like making excuses, or telling white lies to make people feel better, or consoling friends who have broken up with their boyfriends of 3 weeks and are devastated and heart broken. that would be a definate plus.
and in other news entirely, drewe came round today! which was nice as i haven't seen her in ages and ages. we started sorting out the set list for a gig we are doing (first one ever and very nerve racking may i add) and we got quite a lot done! although attempting the high bits written for nelly furtado in broken strings was pretty hilarious, we sounded like distressed animals, and not in the good way ;) and we also realised that warbling is not good and that we both have a tendency towards warbling our own warble so we're going to have to sing seperarely and rarely together which is absolutely terrifying, not even exageratting...i only thought to do this as a laugh! it won't be such a laugh when i am getting HECKLED for being so warbley and rubbish. we also discussed lent. drewes giving up bread, which i think is a pretty good one (i then forgot and shoved a plate of garlic bread infront of her. oops.) and i'm giving up hazelnut lattes. now, i know this doesn't sound like a massive sacrifice but trust me it is! i will miss my daily 2 (or 3) large hazelnut lattes at college, which i have become accustomed to now...i don't think i'll be able to survive without them! although i did have a caramel latte today instead so all is not lost ;) however, something i would NOT drink. is pale ale.
on the subject of ale, pale of not, which is ale so hilarious? it is just so so funny...i think it's one of those things like gammon or clams that just gets funnier and funnier the more you think about it. steve brought up the conversation, announcing that his grandparents had an old ale making kit that wasn't being used, that he has decided to commandeer, in the hope that he can make really nice tasting ale for hardly any money. well, this won't happen. it'll end up some horrible tasting, horrible looking BAD lumpy 'ale' with too much alcoholic content and not enough water. i for one will not be trying it. although in fairness i don't like normal, well made ale. let alone some novice 15% muddy water that will probably have been made incorrectly but hey (sorry steve if you're reading this...but you know my feelings on ale) ALE IS HILARIOUS!
and just as i wrote that last sentance, i noticed how long this post is for me..usually the updates of my boring little life are short and uninteresting. sorry this one is so lanky! haha a lanky post. well, on that note i bid you all farewell!
err, farewell! (is this how you bid farewell? or is just SAYING 'i bid you farewell' bidding farewell? oh life is so confusing...)
however, me lydia and kayleigh did three hours straight work with pete joining in for the latter 2 hours, meaning we got our script entirely written and all we need to do is type it up now! so that lessens the let down slightly. but only slightly, mind.
i also had thursday afternoon tea today (or, thursday afternoon large hazelnut latte rather) which always makes me happy, although i ended up leaving college at like 6 which is wayyy excessive. let down number two.
also, i had to type up my mums essay when i got home as she is useless and can't type haha, minor let down number three of the day.
The hilarities, included amy, amy and pretty much all amy.
i won't go into the hilarity of amy but lets just say it made my day a lotttt funnier.
in other news, it's like half past seven and i'm sooo not up for typing up the script now. think i'll wait until steve gets home and then make him read it out for me, ughhh what an effort.
i am in a weird mood today, and have been all week. i can't wait for the weekend and having no more drama coursework and no more scriptwriting and no more stresssss. mmm life will be good :)
my mind works overtime at least 23 hours a day, i can never sleep because i'm constantly wondering about something pointless, or something terribly important (that is actually entirely pointless) and anything i seem to do ends up a half-hearted shody mess, but it's ok because i'm pretty much down with the whole evolution thing now :\
i waste my life thinking about the world, trying to work out how things work, how things happen, WHY they happen and most of all trying to work out people. sometimes i wish i could just take everything exactly how i see it, not have to spend hours analysing, critisising and generally picking apart every little thing that is said, or that i see, until it becomes a big mess of mixed up thoughts in my muddle of a brain, leaving no room for every day things. i forget stupid things almost constantly, like my keys or my phone, but i'll remember things someones said from months back, having analysed it to within an inch of its life. i wish sometimes, even just for a day, i could keep a completely blank mind, processing only what what was absolutely necessary and leaving the rest for some other poor philosophical, analytical idiot to pick up and think to death.
sometimes my favourite conversations are the completely fluffy, meaningless ones i usually despise. it's like a break, sometimes, a break from using my brain, a break from constantly thinking about what i'm going to say next. the beauty of unintelligent conversation is that it honestly doesn't matter what you say next, the other person probably won't even hear it.
i wish that for just one day, i could be as unintelligent as the complete thickos i hate and judge within a second of meeting. their life must be so easy.
urghhh i actually hate girls so much. so BITCHY and pathetic. what exactly did i ever do to you to constitute you being this bloody rude to me, can i ask? and at which point was i ever anything but lovely to you, about you even...sticking up for you and pretending to be on your side despite the fact i thought you were a thick fucking cunt, but whatever because you shouldn't judge people untill you know them right? errr wrong. i think i'm going to trust my first instincts next time, you've seriously made me reconsider my 'friendly' nature. who wants to be friendly to people like you?
uidhgjdgbs urghhhh god so annoyed right now. also, i got home from college today at almost 8 and i'm annoyed as that means i was there for 11 hours which is FAR too long, also i don't think i really achieved ANYTHING today which always pisses me off, and also stupid people in the stupid rehearsals who do my actual head in, and i want to kill them UFDGIURG
oh my god worst mood ever right now. i was in such a good mood earlier, too.
i'm going to go and have a cigarette and a coffee, then i'll feel better.
oh, and in other news, the rest of my life is fine hahaaa
FUCK FUCK FUCK I AM SO EXCITED OH MY GODDDDDDD
five lonely faces, ten empty eyes, twenty lifeless limbs, five broken hearts, ten lungs pushed to capacity with 20 stifled screams.
it's so so loud in here, so loud i can barely make out features, just shapes blurring in front of my eyes. so dark i can barely hear my own thoughts.
'intense and sincere' has never been my scene.
- Music:They Might Be Giants - Istanbul (Not Constantinople) | Powered by Last.fm
vintage gold buttons. stella the accordion. coffee. european culture. black and white photographs. the theatre. the beach at night. chai. vintage clothes. cerutti 1881. classic cars. innuendos. italian food. ambition. usurping. sleepy country villages. parisian folk music. poetry. freshly painted nails. livejournal. intelligent conversation. yoga. lymington nero on wednesdays. bestival. funny laughs. pyjamas. being clean. green tea. philosophy. long phonecalls. writing. radio one podcasts. politics. vogue cigarettes. topshop. inspiration. cringing. making my own clothes. italy. 60 million postcards. nice eyes. things with character. freckles. vintage furniture. unexpected texts. killer heels. london. my big blue mug. entirely ridiculous situations. good memories. new friends. salad sandwiches. big hair. muted colours. clear skies. large hazelnut lattes. cold cider at festivals. world cinema. big cardigans. when college is cancelled. my laptop laurence. 4am life chats. indifference. obsessions. having nothing important to do. payday. having a tidy room. pathwords. sunny weather. being late. procrastinating. the isle of wight. arguing. quirky traits. nicknames. new shoes. embaressing stories. handwritten letters. mulled wine. intense debates. hot water bottles. new bed sheets. thinking too much. andy pandy. twisting peoples words. celebrating things. abduls. saggy hats. christmas. my zara coat. comedians that are actually funny. ibar. cuddles. monkey baby. the question game. white teeth. newspapers. symmetry. polaroids. big trees. crumpets. circus themed things. comandeering. lace. floral curtains. obama. meeting people in pubs. quoting peepshow. walking until i'm lost. plays that make you think. personifying objects. my bed. cheap alcohol. vintage shop smell. my mittens. feeling healthy. trams. free lifts. gladiator sandals. insults. barry. films at the lighthouse. skiing. my sailor hat. people watching. raisins. taking things the wrong way. the numberplate game. making lists. the union jack. holding hands. new stationary. atheism. passion. subway. royal blue. getting the sofas in the hard brock (ha). learning guitar. evian. beach barbeques. romany gypsys. live music. the soton joiners. long train journeys. fresh cut grass. writers hands. corfe castle. wrought iron benches. sleeping. being 18. topshop wellies. hysteria. the accordion cake laura made me. old bookshops. boys who smell nice. pointless facts. the idea of 'chancey in laaandan'. gold pashminas. grimey b&b's. jacket lapses. mango ice tea. getting whole pitchers with 10 straws in and drinking it all ha. hamstead heath. wetlook leggings. glowstick glasses. the mighty boosh. hilarious girl. ribbons. unrealistic plans. the metro. secrets. naivety. extensive vocabularies. fairy lights. nadias ice-breaking dance ha. old jumpers. jewellery. charity shops. laughing at others misfortune. remeniscing. oversized bags. elderly people. using words in the wrong context. dying my hair. navy and grey. ideas. contradicting. poland. good make-up.
it is the weekend!!
i am so happy. this week has dragged terribly.
went to 60 million postcards last night for adams 19th, which was fun. made the fatal mistake of drinking half a bottle of wine before i got there so by the time i'd had like 3 drinks there i was really drunk..bad move.
other than that it was good! and i saw drewe who i haven't seen in a million years, and we discussed giving up smoking...whilst smoking.
other than that, i think i may have twisted my ankle the other day! it hurts!
and it's beckis 18th tonight, and jamies, SO many birthdays this weekend!!
but yeah i don't know whats happening exactly with regards to town/beckis house etc but either way it'll be a good night i'm sure!
so yeah, all is good in the world of emily. and i've noticed i used a lot of exclaimation marks in this post! sorry! it annoys me too! i don't usually do it! bye!
!!!!!
this song was on the radio today;
'I don't want to see a ghost It's the sight that I fear most I'd rather have a piece of toast Watch the evening news' - des-ree - life.
RHYMING GHOST. WITH TOAST?
music is getting oh so very very bad.
however pleasant you think that may be, it is not.
i'm going to bed now because i haven't actually got more than 4 hours sleep in the past 3 consecutive nights and i am pretty much asleep right now. so yes. farewell.
i'm feeling quite chirpy today!! even though yes, i know i vowed never to say that word again, but in my chirpy state of mind i banished all previous rules of life and went WILD
in other news, i am mainly happy today because i don't have college for a while. had a critical thinking exam yesterday and so don't have the lesson this morning, so i'm free to chill for a bit ;)
i am also excited at the prospect of meeting a friend later for house-hunting. i can't wait to move out! we found quite a nice four bedroom place yesterday, with a nice garden and quite big kitchen/bathroom/bedrooms etc.
and we will decorate in a jaunty fashion with lots of fairy lights, and odd ornaments signifying nothing.
and on an entirely different note, i'm trying to teach myself some laura marling on guitar..and it's hard! even though it's meant to be easy! why can't i be more musical?! i am a musical failure. i am getting better at the accordion though! which is ridiculous and fun.
i am going now to make some coffee (3rd cup, BAD emily) and finish getting ready for college.
have a lovely fun filled day my cheeky cherubs!
and i am also pretty annoyed today, at certain peoples incredulous insensitivity.
other than that which i won't go into for want of avoiding a 2 hour rant, my weekend has been a sort of non-starter really. i had a good night friday, went to a girl from colleges 18th. saw lots of people i haven't seen in a good few months, which to be honest i wasn't that bothered about but of course made a big fuss over so they felt special because people like that.
and also bought some wine that was reduced from £7.99 to £4! which made me happy because bargains are good.
danced a lot which is always embaressing but i never remember to care at the time, have no acquired some beautiful blisters the size of lemons on both feet from killer heels i was forced into wearing, and after all that i payed for it with a full blown sick-in-the-morning-hangover.
sometimes, i wonder why i bother going out at all. i think i'm far too anti-social for my age. i'm far happier sat in a nice warm pub, talking to old blokes who buy me drinks and tell me about their dead wives and how they were a hero in the war. i can't be bothered with 'he said, she said' and people throwing up on my shoes.
and i also don't like the amount of drunk rowdy pre-pubescent boys trying their luck because they've downed half a bottle of smirnoff ice and feel couragous.
i have come to the conclusion, that the only people who ever 'fancy' me are weirdo stalkers and 14 year old drunk boys.
i think i need a haircut.
and lastly, i have an a level exam tomorrow on the credibility criteria.
i think i'm losing the will to live..
- Music:Transglobal Underground - Spellbound | Powered by Last.fm
i feel mad and dilusional and often feel as though my memory is completely non existant
and i sometimes feel angry at puntuation because i'm not sure where or when to use it, and feel pressurised, into, putting, commars, after, everything,,,,,
UGH everything is stressing me out today. and this whole week actually.
it hasn't been good. i pretty much forgot about college over christmas and i just cannot WAIT to leave and just rent a house with some friends and have a really good year. after that, who knows? but for the short term, i don't think i've ever had a better idea in my entire life.
getting out of bournemouth is my main priority right now, i just need some FUNNN
oh man. i hate livejournal sometimes, it is like a demanding boyfriend that makes you feel guilty if you don't contact like every single day
kjsdhfgduivnfkjgnit OH LIFE LIFE LIFE
- Music:The Rumble Strips - Hate Me (You Do) | Powered by Last.fm
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